Origin of the word Giraffe and Jackal in NVC

Here's a clip from a video where someone asks Marshall where these two characters that have become so popular around the world came from: 

"I just wonder, where did the words 'giraffe' and 'jackal' come from? 

- How did these things come to me? The jackal and the giraffe? The jackal is from outer space! I was driving with a woman to a workshop. and she said, "would you mind working on my relationship with my husband while we drive?" I was in awe of her "I'm holding on to my subject" because she had been hosting me and every day she wanted to work on that relationship. So I was in a playful mood, and I said, "Aren't you tired of working on that jackal?" and she thought that was the funniest thing she'd ever heard.

Don't ask me where that came from, I had never used the word before. "Aren't you tired of working on that jackal?" And she thought "oh yeah, that's exactly what he is, a jackal, oh yeah!" And so that day, I... with her laughter still in my ears, I said to the group, instead of starting like I usually did, "is there anyone right now who is doing something you don't like?" and then we see how to talk giraffe with that person.

That day I said, "do any of you know a jackal?" and everyone knew a jackal! I was amazed! Everybody knows a jackal! And so I said, "Do you want to learn how to tame a jackal today?" Everyone wanted to know how to tame a jackal! So, for the first time, that day, I decided to present how to tame a jackal. I never thought I'd do it again. And I probably never would have done it except that a woman who was there, who really enjoyed the day, bought me this as a souvenir. 

So I thought "well, the next kid I meet is going to get a nice gift" and I put it in my suitcase. 

But the next town over, I still remember how much fun people had with the jackal, so I said "do any of you know a jackal?" Everyone knew a jackal in that town too! So...

And then I remember this thing in my suitcase. And then I realize it looks like all their jackals. And then I thought, "well, it would be fun to have a partner for this..." "who could represent the other side, so to speak" What animal? 

I chose the duck. The duck became a giraffe in Sweden, I'll tell you about that in a minute but... I chose the duck to go with the jackal. 

Why a duck? Because when my kids were little, I would take them to the pond to feed the ducks. and they had a fabulous look. You couldn't tell who was getting fed. You could have sworn that the kids were getting fed.

But you see, that's how I really believe human beings are. When we really function as human beings, we have as much joy in giving as other people have in receiving. That's what keeps the world together despite all the craziness, right? That's really the coolest thing to do when you really get into it. So, I used 'duck language' to represent that communication that helps us get to that place with each other, where we can enjoy giving and receiving with the same joy that children feel feeding a hungry duck. 

So I had this duck, and I was very happy with my duck. Until I went to Sweden a few years ago, and they wanted to make a video of my work. 

And the director said, "you know, you need a stronger image for compassion and non-violence than your duck" "your duck looks like it's about to be eaten any minute by this jackal".

And "yes," I said, "that's something I'm concerned about" I don't want anyone to think of nonviolence or compassion as a weakness.

So, now, what animal? So I went to Canada next. I had a month to find a pet. And I'm in a toy store. I'm looking around looking at all these animals, trying to imagine them on the video, trying to imagine how I could fit them into my workshop. and I'm trying them out and imagining them with the jackal. And it takes me longer than I realize. 

And the owner of the toy store starts to worry about me. Because all of a sudden she's standing over me, and she says very nervously, "are you looking for a young child or a bigger child?" And I said "well, to tell you the truth, I'm looking for me" And then she says "but there's no problem" But those eyes got really big.

And I thought she might be happier if I left, so I left without finding an animal. 

And I'm glad I did, because soon after I heard about the giraffe project. 

It's a project that every month honors a citizen somewhere in the world who takes risks in the service of compassion. The kind of people that we all know but you don't hear about them in the news but they really do take risks, all the time, for other people.

And so this project tries to find those people and promote their efforts, so that you don't just hear about violence on the news. 

And they chose the giraffe for its vision. 

You see, she has this vision that can help her see if what we're doing now is an environmentally risky strategy. 

See, a giraffe can see that punishment never works. It never works. It can see the consequences. 

Giraffes have the biggest hearts of any land animal. And have to pump blood a long way to get it to the brain. 

And giraffe language, which I feel is conducive to conflict resolution, is a language of the heart. See, when we speak giraffe, we are only revealing our feelings, our needs, our demands. We do not evaluate the other person. We don't judge, we don't criticize. 

Our evaluations are value judgments, and refer only to our feelings, our values. 

It is a language of the heart. 

And the giraffe lives its life with this wonderful combination of delicacy and strength.

So, you see, speaking giraffe takes a lot of strength to assert what you want. 

As I said earlier, a giraffe says, "I wish you..." nothing passive about it. "I wish you would..." Very clear, very direct. "These are my values... I would like you to..." But we say and phrase, of course, "if you would" - That's the delicacy. 

We don't want people to do things out of fear, guilt, shame. So "if you will" "please don't do it until you will because" "you see how it will contribute to life." "Don't do anything until you can see how it contributes to life."

"Don't do things for a reward" "Don't do things to avoid punishment" "Don't do things to get approval" "Only do things when you see how they contribute to life," you know?"

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